BDSM: what is it and how to get started
Want to get into BDSM but don't know where to start?
This article will give you some pointers on how to take your first steps.
The fantasy of bondage is very common and even more so since EL James' novel "50 Shades of Grey" was made popular by its film adaptation. More and more people are being encouraged to take the plunge and talk to their partner about it, which can be a tricky time.
You've tried every Kama Sutra position, the hottest erotic games and the latest sex toys. Or maybe sex with your partner has become routine and you want to try new things, offer your partner new sexual perversions because someone told you about BDSM and your curiosity is piqued. Or maybe you just saw or read the famous "50 Shades of Grey" stories and imagined yourself dressed in black, wielding a whip or tied up in handcuffs.
Either way, you've come to the right place, especially if you don't really know where to start.
Building a trusting BDSM relationship
We do not enter a BDSM relationship blindly. Which makes sense. But how do you build a trusting relationship with a BDSM partner?
Communication between BDSM partners
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a good BDSM relationship. And it all starts with communication, which is essential. You absolutely must be open with your partner. Whether it's about your desires or your fears, don't be afraid to put them into words.
Define your BDSM boundaries with your partner
BDSM is a very broad sexual practice. It is therefore important to define certain boundaries from the start, so that you are not abruptly thrust into this world.
When interacting with your BDSM partner, you need to talk about your limits very quickly. This doesn't mean that you are closed to everything else, just that you are not ready. In fact, there is a saying "never say never".
Be clear with your partner and only do what you want to do. All BDSM practices must be done with the consent of both parties. You can change your mind during the BDSM session, don't be afraid to say so.
Make a BDSM Contract
Setting boundaries is good, enforcing them is better. Some people feel the need to write down in black and white what they will and will not accept. For this there is the BDSM contract or BDSM membership contract.
These contracts are moral agreements between a dominant and a dominated. This is the starting point for roleplaying, the beginning of a BDSM relationship. Some submissives see this as a real status and a way to completely submit to their master.
These contracts are by no means binding, but they do add value to the relationship. They also make it possible to set and enforce certain boundaries between the master and his submissive. Here is what you will find in a BDSM contract: the context, the goals of the contract, the limits of the submissive, the punishments.
Safety of the submissive
BDSM practices are many and varied. Some can be dangerous if done incorrectly. It is up to the dominant to ensure the safety of the submissive during the BDSM session. If he feels it is dangerous for the submissive, he must not hesitate to stop.
The use of the "safeword" (code, oral password)
The safeword increases trust and serenity in a BDSM relationship. Above we talked about the dominant having to stop a practice that is considered dangerous. But the submissive can also stop it at any time using the safeword. This is why it is so important to choose one from the beginning.
Trust in a BDSM relationship doesn't happen overnight. It's a lot of little things that build trust and grow over time. But once it is there, you will be able to enjoy every one of your BDSM sessions.
What is "BDSM" as a sexual practice?
BDSM is a term created to encompass a group of consensual erotic practices. It is an acronym combining the initials of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Domination and Submission (DS), and Sadism and Masochism (SM).
One of the main characteristics of BDSM, as mentioned above, is that it is always based on the free, full, informed and current consensus of the participants. It is very different from radical sadism.
Bondage
The term "bondage" is usually associated with ropes or other restraints often used in BDSM. It is also associated with immobilization, i.e. being tied up for sex.
If you're the one doing the tying, try not to do it too tightly, but enough that the other person feels they can't let go easily. Talk before you start to make sure that the pressure you're applying is comfortable for your partner.
Another very simple element commonly used in BDSM that falls under bondage is blindfolding. Did you know that when you are blind, the rest of your senses are much more sensitive than the rest? It happens to all of us after a few minutes of being blindfolded: body sensations, touch, hearing, everything else is felt with much more intensity. And not knowing what's going to happen next adds to the excitement.
The positions you normally practice take on a new dimension when one member of the couple is bound or blindfolded. Find what suits you best and excites you the most.
Discipline
Refers to erotic practices that involve rules, punishments, behavior protocols or postures. Sometimes it doesn't have to be object-related, another BDSM classic is spanking.
Hand spanking is a perfect way to get started in this world. If you've never done it before, you may find that it can be very arousing. As we have said, start slowly, stroking gently and concentrating on the middle of the bottom. Increase the intensity gradually so as not to surprise the recipient.
As you progress and are satisfied with this practice, there are a variety of instruments that can be used to give pleasure.
Domination and Submission
Domination and submission are complementary practices of power exchange: one or more people dominate one or more people who submit.
If you like domination or submission, know that it is a much more mental game, less physical, because it is about role-playing with your partner.
Some role-playing games with characters (and costumes for some) require you to try on your character. If that person is more dominant or submissive, give yourself space to explore what being dominant/submissive means to you in the context of that character.
You can start the role-play with a few lines of rough conversations where one person is the dominant and the other is the submissive, until you have very intense scenes of the same domination and submission play.
While role-playing is undoubtedly one of the best ways to practice this side of BDSM, it is also one of the most common sexual fantasies among men.
Sadism and Masochism
Sadism and masochism usually go hand in hand, as they are two sides of the same coin. Sadism is the erotic practice in which one person obtains pleasure by inflicting pain, humiliation, or discomfort on another person. Masochism is when pleasure is obtained by receiving the same pain.
Of course, we are still talking about voluntary practices based on trust, that cannot exceed the limits set by the participants.
BDSM Symbols
The Triskelion
Originating in Celtic culture, the triskelion has undergone many transformations and is for many a symbol associated with BDSM. One of the interpretations of this symbol for BDSM culture is that the three curved edges represent subcultures: The metal represents chains, symbolizing service and possession, the three circles represent control over the dark side of sexuality, while the schematic representation of arms in a cross represents spanking or erotic whipping.
The collar
The collar refers to possession and submission and has its origins in slavery. The collar represented the deprivation of freedom. It is a commitment that exists in a relationship between submissive and master.
Accessories
You don't have to buy anything to turn your bedroom into a BDSM temple, but some accessories can make your sessions more fun. There are all kinds and all prices: handcuffs, ropes, whips, feather dusters, chastity cages, electro-stimulation devices, etc.
In this case, we recommend that you choose high quality products for your safety and to get the most out of it.
